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Daddie’s Shakti Flower

Daddie’s Shakti Flower  – M. Ulto 2007 (click for full sized image)

I am Daddie’s Shakti Flower

I am his moon and his stars

and his stain unclaimed

when the riddle unravels

first on my skin in freckled code

later in DNA stripped bare

petri me attached and new

Daddies are plenty

Fathers are rare

I in faith renew

my search for you.

- M. Ulto, August 2007

This poem and digital art came together fast, as I have started anew my search for my father.  I had given up, but stories have been coming at me fierce and fast since June.  I’ve been inspired by stories of people finding their fathers, their siblings, their family afar and once lost.  I know there is almost nothing to go on but faith.  I know I may never find him, but I can’t stop looking.  I took a rest, for a long while, and set aside my daydreams and expectations.  I no longer expect a hero, but simply a man who, with my mother, gave me life.  Gratitude mixes with anger and abandonment fears, each time I think of this man looking down at me as a baby.  Perhaps he never did, but a feeling I have says his eyes once looked into mine and knew love.  What did he pass to me, what lessons in momentary glimpses did he share?  Are there anymore stories he can tell me?

There is more than the DNA strand holding us close, yet anonymous.  There is the possibility of knowingness, belonging and family.  There is hope that his heart is the noble model for my own.

I cry still, but not often, for the loss of something never attained.  Father, find me, as I search for you.  Let the questions finally be answered, and the holes filled in my story and yours.

Love in absentia,
Melissa