These Words…To You, Wherever You Are…
Rock and Roll Love Search – M. Ulto 2007
Yah, dating…um…yah…
What can I say? Its never easy for anyone. And I have less patience and time to spare than most. I skim deep dialectics in minutes, absorbing and comprehending meaning instantly. Yet men – can’t read them or figure them out at ALL!
What I take as a poker face I realize is most men’s standard stare. I have a bad habit of forcing a response, usually through lame jokes, provocative statements or a lean little too far over for a confusing glance at my rack. Yah, that one is real handy. Works when nothing else moves them. Yet that stare, while incredibly familiar to me, is also most times uncomfortable. Its forcing the power into my hands instead of sharing. I only share when I trust. Then I can let someone else be the boss, in most ways.
I know what I want. I’m picky. Most New Yorkers are. Its the water. Bottled and expensive.
So I’m gonna write it down. Listen to some LOVE inducing music and formulate it clearly here. It will be my online order to the universe. Let’s see how well its fulfilled. Busta’s linked below for a listen while reading…
I’m starting with parking my semi-permanent get-back stare, my tough punk hip hop art chick armor dropped, my warp speed slowed up, and my hard-ass heart wide open. I’m going to leave my feral sexual attitudes and juvenile evasions toward commitment to the side. I’m going to make this about LOVE, not sex, not friendship or FWB, not what’s convenient but probably not good for me. Junk food loving has made my heart heavy and slow. Not inspiring, real or lasting. Just a momentary panacea for loneliness and boredom. Nothing to build on.
Down-shift on the sex drive again. I remind myself that TALKING is important. So is active listening. Not my “doing 5 things at once, including watching TV, reading a book, surfing the web and talking on the phone” act, which I recognize is annoying, even though I heard every word out of your mouth. Down-shift on the split focus. Give focus, maintain eye contact, don’t stare at their eyes and wonder about the gene pool that created them, or what they look like in the morning, or count the smile lines around their mouth. FOCUS.
Flip the internal dating attitude from “its going to suck and suck hard” to “its going to be amusing at worst, and interesting at best, but don’t expect more than this”. Turn the dial from “wreck his bed in 5 dates or under, then discard” to “wait, take it slow, make it matter”. Push the sliders up on “make time for dating” and down on “workaholic”. Twiddle the knobs on “independence” until it becomes “interdependence”. Patch “longing” into “belonging”. See that big red button? The one that says LOVE – I’m poised, finger raised and shaking, to push it…a pause, then…
I just dropped the bomb.
__________________________________
Hi Handsome:
I’m assuming you are handsome. I don’t think I could fall in love with someone who isn’t, cause I’m just that shallow. But you, you are cute. You make my mouth water. Ooops, already with the innuendos. You are going to have to watch me on that. I can lead you far too easily down my garden path, and we’re in it for the long haul anyway, right? So no hurry, sorry, I’m terrible tease. Anyway…
I’m listening to Ella right now. Can’t help loving that man of mine, she croons… I long for and fear that kind of lock down. I don’t want to be prisoned by my heart to someone who’s lazy, slow or mean. No matter how cute! But you, no, you are a total gentleman, who sweeps me off my feet every time you walk through the door, making my toes curl. You are genuine, sweet, honest, charming, direct, sexy, ethical, flexible, trustworthy and kind. You are butch in your ease with your own compassion and beliefs. Suave at times, rugged the rest, you are just you, boy scout at heart who believes in justice, faith and love. Without getting all soggy.
You enjoy listening to me sing to myself as I work, making me feel comfortable and welcome. I’m singing Gladys Knight right now. If I were your woman, she and I demand. Mmmmm…yah. Life IS so crazy and love IS so unkind. But it is what it is. You are a practical optimist, which balances my swings from heaven to hell when hitting a rut. You don’t mind my flurry of ideas and worries and catastrophic fantasies, because YOU GET ME. Its all noise to help me deal. I’m not anchored like most folks with typical family ties, so I worry, I protect myself, I go into crisis mode and pull on my armor. You, you handsome, terribly patient, wonderfully brilliant man, will know this. You will make me stop, drop and roll into your arms. You will get me out of the loop, with a few really well placed words and kisses. You know this. You don’t take my barbs and snipes to heart, because you know in about 15 minutes I will apologize. You make it okay to be okay, to trust and relax.
Try a little tenderness, Joe growls. You understand that I initially function on an intimate level with sex. (I’m so like a guy sometimes it worries me.) You push back, slow me down without insulting me, yet bring me in real close in a way that no one has yet. You get tender, you get sweet, you let me be sweet to you, cover you with my kindness once I’ve dislodged it from heart sized lock box that has been previously functioning just as an organ. What a waste. You keep that sexual tension available, but you move me into a space of love and caring.
You let me love you.
Ahhhhh…I said it out loud. I’m half embarrassed and half thrilled. Something is shifting. Admitting it I guess lets the locks loosen a bit. I’m gonna let you touch my heart. The final frontier – where no man has gone before…and you will have no fear of my event horizon. And you won’t be a trekkie.
Bang bang, he shot me down…Bang bang my baby shot me down. You will never shoot me down. You understand that to get into my “circle of trust” it took divine light to shine down on my heart. You will honor and respect my opening to you, know that it took a lot for me to do this, to open all the way, and commit to loving you. You know I will never cheat on you, because I am a noble soul, as are you. You’d rather just leave first. Besides, you’ll be too tired. (Sorry)
All I have…J Lo and LL duel it out vocally…I’m out son…All my pride is all I have… Wow, this pretty much is my standard breakup song. Usually, I’m disappointed and promises have been most definitely broken. But you, you gorgeous soul, you don’t make promises. You just do things. You manifest. You make it real – love, a family, a home, a life. You impress the hell out of me all the time and I can’t wait to show you my love.
You Got Me…The Roots and Jill Scott…the damn fine version…sultry, deep vocal riffs of Jill mining her soul live for the truth of each verse. Cause you’ll have me. I mean, you do this right, you got me. Got the heart, soul, body, mind, and focus of me. The core, the fascination factor, that will rest next to you. Lean on you a little from time to time. Mostly cuddle in your arms and be so grateful you are real. That place of me, in me, requires a leap of both you and I. An all the way leap – I’m always leaving a toe in the door, “just in case” things get crazy or hard. But I know you won’t stand for that. I know you won’t let me get away with half measures, but you won’t nag me to death either. Somehow, you’ll inspire me, with your being, your natural kind, funny, friendly way, that nothing is a bother.
No Tom Sawyering, though! In every task, measure for measure, you’ll meet me, push me, grow with me.
Something in the way she moves…ahhh…George whispers and wails it… He was the Beetle I liked the most. Quiet, mysterious, brilliant, efficient seeming, a watcher. Like me. Waits for the right moment. Knows the alchemy of timing, rhythm, the grace in the pauses that allow me to really stop and listen. Listen to you, to my heart, to the beat of the universe, that gets momentarily revealed in these soft, comfortable moments. You understand the currents that run in me, you work them, you ignite and direct them, you let them feed you. And you breathe with me, slow, deep and quiet.
I’m finally ready to allow love to embrace me. And to accept it, discover it, grow into it, move with it. Let it become a part of me, instead of being an isolated section of my soul. I won’t dance away from it, or you, and I will stay with it. Cause you’ll be worth it. We both will be. So it will be easy, wonderful, scary but inevitable feeling. Show me your soul first, so I know you are noble, really, truly noble. Just and kind and fair. Not perfect, but mindful acting. Considerate, caring, comforting. A joy to be around, seeking more joy.
Love me for more than my face and rack. Love me for ME – my art, my mind, my soul, my lame ass jokes. My voice, my laugh, the look in my eyes when I’m goofy and giddy. My taste, my talent, my kinky-funny-sexy sassyness. My cool demeanor which usually means I’m really being shy. My smile, my character, my spirit, my trust in you. Cause there is going to be a million reasons why I love you, and I’ll find more every day. And if you let me, I’ll tell you.
So we all have issues. I’m willing to drop mine. Seriously, I wonder if they even fit anymore. They just seem like dead weight. Along with those rusty expectations. They are obsolete and tracking mud on the carpet. My suggestion is we just drop them. If we must, we can refer to them, from a distance. Wave at them, in respect and recognition. Introduce them, if we have to, but don’t invite them to stay in the guest room. Cause they are really, really boring. And I don’t do boring. You don’t either.
What do I ultimately want, in a perfect world, in a perfect situation? A handsome, healthy, brilliant, funny, sexy man in my age range (I’m 37), who is successful and fulfilled in his career (the arts would be preferred), who wants to get married within a reasonable amount of time (a couple of years), and who wants children. Beyond that, its cake. I can’t ask for more.
What would be awesome is finding you, whoever you are, soon, so I can stop dating other people. Plus I don’t like waiting. Seriously, show up so we can get this project of us rolling. I’m a woman of action. I like to make stuff happen. I’m a natural catalyst.
One last thing. I can talk about this (briefly) now, as this is the last point to cover. Sex. It better be a major priority for you. Cause it is for me. Be creative with that thought.
I put it in the hands of Serendipity and the chaos of digital communications.
Bring your A Game, dude.
Love in absentia, (in ether and ethernet)
Melissa
