what is love?
When i think of relationships i am especially wary. i’ve had a pretty low batting average and my family history keeps my back up even when i know i should chill out.
so what is love? its not one element but multiple elements balancing themselves against each other, a tender tension that contracts and expands, and sometimes shatters, under the sway of human forces.
trust – what is trust exactly? how does one trust in balance with not being taken advantage of? the leap of faith that is love is a fantastic leap off a cliff but then what? once the fist large dive swallows you whole, and the terror and thrill of it ebbs away, what happens next? how does it grow or sustain itself? what are the parameters of healthy trust?
faith – long-standing, consistent, a state of being as opposed to creating. how does someone attain this state? what inspires it and keeps it alive? when is faith blind and self-destructive? where does faithlessness start – in the first niggling thoughts of anger at a lover, or in the eye wandering, or, finally, in the actual act of infidelity? is faith the promise to keep the vigil of hope and trust awake and alive in the relationship?
respect – a civil undertone that holds a person and their opinions, beliefs, dreams and desires in high esteem. sarcasm eats away at this, a grain at a time, and leaves lingering doubts. the desire to reject before being rejected is self-respect taking over mutual respect. how can the balance between self-respect and respect for each other in a relationship be met in a healthy manner?
desire – easy to come by for most, harder to act on for some. when longing is out of balance, how does the relationship continue without dying out? desire unexpressed is lonely to both parties.
joy – if there is no laughter, no real heart felt smiles, what else is worth the trouble relationships bring? when the smiles and giggles die off, how can they be resurrected?
I filter all of the above through my inner screens of innate relationship failure in my genes. i am not sure when the panic and terms running around my mind are mine or my past. Are the fears completely my own? Are they rational? Do they exist without another person being in the room? How do i recognize the truth in the middle of this vortex made of fear and anger? Who am i most angry at and why?
Are relationships really marathons? do we just have to stick it out and keep in mind there is far more to go? when does sticking it out seem foolish and self-destructive? when, if we have been hurt but still love, can we keep it going and drop our defensiveness for the greater good of both? is sorry really truly enough?
and when, with all of the above swirling inside of me, do i just let go, let it be and trust in love? when do i get to give that gift to myself?
:) melissa
