Multo.com :: Visual Magic

I NEED A COSMIC KICK

Ever become paralyzed and lose track of what you are doing as you are doing it? Lately, i’ve had a lot of that. Perhaps its hitting the 6 month mark of freelance/unemployment. Part of me wants to jump all over someone or something, but the real truth is nipping at my ass. I have to take better care of myself and my career. Now. Not tomorrow. Not last week. Not a month from now.

Dammit all to hell. The sullen part of me wants to pout, sulk, kick and be über stubborn. Its the holidays. I deserver a break. I need love. I need attention. I need candy. I need, need, need…arrrgggg! I can’t take myself when i act this way…like a maddening four year old on the verge of a temper tantrum.

Gimme Gimme Gimme!

Expressing anger is a real bitch for me. I mean, i can yell, but its not the full-on yell i really want to do. Its the measured, if i go one decibel higher i will lose my shit kind of yell. And do i ever do the silent treatment well. Oh yah.

Meanwhile, inside, my stomach clenches, my throat tightens and i am so avoiding everything for the sake of my anger. Because then, i don’t have to deal with the fact that i am pretty much in control and i can do what i want. I can be pissed off or i can get back to the problem – i need to focus. Focus, grasshoppa!

And i could look for a guru (waste time: 1 day), a method (waste time: 6 hours), or research some fancy application to scam on peer to peer file sharing (waste time: 3 days). Or i could write this blog and put my intentions into written words. And then have them haunt me slavishly until i make it all happen.

I take external disappointment and make it the entire reason for all my anger. So easy. Let me tell you. Of course, there’s the part of me that is watching all of this and says a rather calm, suave “bullshit”. Special, i tell you, when i hear the rational part fight against my neuroses and lizard brain neediness.

I avoid structure like the plague. My life is loose, easy, spontaneous. That’s the sexy side of it. My life is also scattered, disorganized, lacks routine or structure. Sometimes weak on follow through. Retreats from pressure from myself (strangely, i excel at pressure exerted by external circumstances).

Routine – blah! The same old grind. Or, routine – like i followed a set of tasks every day and lost weight, finished projects on time, felt less pressure and stress. The routine of routine rejecting is a decades long conversation in my head. The free wheeling nature of my mother’s flowerchld past whispers how uncool the same old thing is.

I am an artist, filmmaker, writer, photographer and VJ. I have to spend lots of time developing projects and content and ideas. The push to start is always hard. I’ve stalled. Mid-lake kind of stall. In the boat alone. How do i get myself to shore? Sulking will only keep me way out in the water. There is no giving up. This is not “shits creek without a paddle” – i have all the tools i need. I just have to start my motor running.

Hence the professional ass kicker. Or cheerleader. Or person who will get me to realize i can do all this and its not going to be too hard or awful, without the use of guilt, anger, condescension or trickery.

I am also super-leery of all the requests for my time, skills and equipment, free. I love the different NYC arts communities but sometimes they can be energy vampires. Mentioning money is my only talisman. Help me with this, work on that and join any other project that needs my skills. Ninety-nine percent of the time i really want to get involved, help out, collaborate, but the overload of so many people wanting everything from my time to my equipment sometimes is just too much. I have learned to say no, sadly. Not to everyone, just to the folks who i don’t get a good vibe from. Still there is value in collaboration, in sharing ideas, in doing a project as a community. The NYC DECOM, Surrealist Fashion Show and Projectile Arts Benefit are great examples of strong community events, worth the sweat and hassle. Support is and will always be the major issue in the arts community. Community building is very important and i truly value my experiences in the NYC art world.

Potential employers are just as strange lately. I am often asked to do a project on spec or close to it. I have had my fee slashed, my estimated salary range lowered and asked to do a project for so little it hurts. The dot com days are long gone. But i have to remember, this is opportunity building. Work towards the big picture, not the short term paycheck. The career as opposed to the job.

I have to be careful to not spread myself too thin. To do the jobs i agree to well and understand that no one is forcing me to do anything – i agreed and its up to me to do my best or bow out. And that people won’t hate me if i say no.

So i am going to dedicate myself to my career and health this year. Starting today, right now. This will involve lists, plans, schedules, quick responses, and letting go of fears and worries. I am good at leaping in, i have just stalled.

I’m coming out – i want the world to know, gotta let it show… – Diana Ross, 1980

:) melissa