Multo.com :: Visual Magic

I sit here, listening the Baptist outdoor church sing and sermonize in earnest a block away. Their voices thunder through the buildings and the hope is tangible. The sermons push hard for a better tomorrow, god willing, and a lighter heart in these hard times.

I am not religious. To the contrary, I hold dear the koan “if you see the buddha in the road, kill the buddha”. Spirituality is a sacred, solitary path that I’ve carved out on my own. Raised by a self-hating Catholic, who warned me of the church’s agenda and to never trust a priest, I rarely ventured into the odd smelling buildings. Death and perfume, co-mingled with smoke and incense, the smell of a church does nothing to comfort me. I’ve found most religious buildings to have this same heavy smell, the essence of ritual left over in ash and odor. It stifles the fresh air with dogma and ceremony.

I’m adrift these days, wondering at the point of my existence, the ever present why to my purpose. Perhaps I’m weary of finding that every “spiritual” person I meet these days is a charlatan. Everyone has something to sell. I have yet to meet an “enlightened” person who is giving anything away for free. Maybe its the eco-people I’ve worked with that turned out to be, in many cases, utter boobs, inept at most things except self promotion. Maybe its the social media parasites who hawk everything from access to their “network” to “social media expertise” in a field that requires nothing but a Twitter account and lots of time to make pretend friends online. Maybe its the futurist I meet who dream of immortality through science, as though death were an enemy. I almost have to laugh at the naivete of such mindsets, if they didn’t disturb me so much. Forever is such a very long time, and we’ve yet to perfect a happy life in the normal human life span, for all humans, not just the elite few.

Maybe its just the lack of action from these people – lots of noise and fury but little results. The backslapping is gag worthy, while nothing ACTUALLY happens with these people. Its a lot of shuffling of data and numbers by smart book people who lack a whole lot of commonsense. What has actually been accomplished, besides brands finding new ways to aggressively infiltrate your online experience? Change the world? Really? SHOW ME, DON’T BLOW ME.

I’ve met a spectrum of thinkers, hucksters, word twirlers and snake oil salesmen, hawking everything from books to magic wands that can cure you by just waving them around. Each time I try to connect, they go weird, they go south and then boom, they try to sell me something. Even after I explain I’m not the kind of person you sell spirituality to. Its like dollar signs take over and their sense goes out their ass. Do they see how fast they lose me in that moment? The hard sell, the soft sell, the guilt sell, the “ain’t it cool” sell, the social sell, the exclusive sell, the secret sell – all of these make my gullet rise, retching not far behind. A whiff of salesman is like dog shit to me – an olfactory offense that demands immediate withdrawal.

To you folks who wonder why I retreat after meeting, even after working with you sometimes, here’s a flash as to why: if you tried to sell me something, or tried to stiff me on payment for my work, I really do want nothing to do with you. That’s quicksand you can’t get out of if you choose to engage it. No amount of negotiation, threats, or cease and desists is worth my time or mental health. I’d rather just back away and disengage, let their energy find another outlet. I’m never going to get paid and I’m certainly not buying, so usually the other party pushes, and I’m anything but a pushover.

I know my “faults” as a human being – I don’t like money, I truly don’t believe in it, and I have a hard time discussing or assigning value or rates. I also don’t buy into power systems, fame, wealth or religion. I’m literally the last person you want to invite to some secret sect or downlow group – I’d relish nothing more than exposing you.  I hate secrets – they are toxic every time, not some of the time. I don’t play well with stupidity, hate, manipulation or anything that hurts another being’s body or spirit. I have this compulsive integrity that demands the truth of me and others. I can’t lie, at least not well, so I don’t bother. I’ve borne much in my life, my scars visible at times, and I’ve done it alone. No family, no mate, no conclave of bon amis to emotionally dump on.

I’m strong but I’m weak. I’m solid but entirely fluid. I have mastered much but feel like I know little. I’ve seen and heard too much to be innocent. Could the buddha bear this much and be tranquil? Probably not, but he never said life was a tranquil sea of knowing after enlightenment. I pretty much have figured that buddha was a “stop giving a fuck” kind of guy. Stop having expectations, of yourself and others, and you won’t be disappointed, is what I glean from the teachings. Stop giving a shit and life will open up.

Except I do give a shit. I can’t help it. I feel as if all spiritual paths are incomplete, even buddha’s. There is a key piece missing from it for me. For when I stop giving a shit, I stop caring about even myself. I’m there now, wondering what the point is – why exercise, why eat well, why try to live a decent life, why make art, why add to the noise and fury that is the world as we know it?

I make art – video, paintings, photographs, words, works, performances. I see it as ritual in the purest sense – I channel in the moment what either my subconscious or conscious mind needs to discuss. Right now, its hard to make art, and to care about it being seen, when there is much wrong with the world we live in. Climate change, gov’t failure, shrinking economy and fewer options, the underlying agenda of the powers that be percolating under it all. Its hard to want to care, to want change and see the opportunities slip by with each month of massive unemployment, each year of war. Its hard to want to share anything with an American public that seems not to care about the thousands lost in each war, the billions spent. We all just want to be garishly famous and momentarily rich at the altar of Reality TV.

Its deeper than that. Its a loss of connection to our innocence in wanting to know truth. Truth does not equal justice anymore. Truth does not set you free. Truth gets twisted and spun and we all buy into it, whether its war we are ignoring for the more important issues like your follower/friend count, or the dying in Pakistan we drown out with big screen TVs and mobile media. We have more ways to ignore and pretend to engage each other than ever. Sure, I care about your cause, I’ll follow it, with no further action than to invite you to my cause. See how we digitally circle jerk? My spunk is on your screen and you don’t even care enough to wipe it clean.

Arturo Vega says people are rotten and I agree. We’ve become rotten. We’re empty, vacuous, grubby creatures much like crabs in a bucket – we’d cut a bitch to get to the top of the bucket, so we can be first in the pot. It makes no godly sense, but what does these days? I seriously feel at times I’m living in a worldwide carnival, full of sideshow freaks and novelty acts in all arenas – who’s more absurd – Snooki or Palin? Where is the credible human being anymore? Where is the being without an agenda, who just wants justice for everyone, who understands peace for you means peace for me, means peace for everyone? Why is that kind of attitude seen as naive? Why – because we are human consumers now, not human beings. Beings just be, consumers must consume. If you ain’t selling, you better be buying, because socially and spiritually, there is nothing in between.

I’m a dreamer or maybe I’m asleep still.  Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person awake and screaming at the top of my lungs “something is very wrong here!” I hear more often from the new age and eco sectors that change is coming or ascension is happening.  Yet every person I meet through these sectors is, frankly, full of shit. It takes very little to set off my bullshit detector, even though I often choose to ignore it hoping for better results.

My friend Danny says its not about purpose that but you are still in the game, still taking part. If that’s the only reason to be here, count me out. It basically sets up the planet as one big social game, where we get to play out parts like sadist, sociopath, vapid twit and others. So where did my game settings go wrong and why am I here without a “game strategy” and agenda?

Existential angst is a bitch when you are intelligent. I find loopholes to answers, and more questions than results. I’m spinning from the past couple of years, where trust, belief, dreams and love drove me to depression, poverty and disbelief.  I threw down for every project, gave 100% of my heart, soul and art, and got royally fucked each time. Getting screwed in business is bad enough if your heart isn’t deeply invested in the project. And I had one dream co-opted and stolen, though the thief wasn’t able to do much with it once I left. Its so hard to build your dream and see it taken by hacks and wannabes. Its hard to work on films for peanuts and see your credit taken off or moved down under some person who did a fraction of the work.  Its tough being tricked by people you want to trust, lying about everything from who/what they really are to the state of investor funds. Its terrible to see greed and fame warp a project and person so drastically and so fast, when they’ve hightailed it with the project’s funds. Who spends $35k in a month? Its terrible to see smart, talented people buy into things like The Landmark Forum, Scientology or other feebly constructed mindsets, knowing the result won’t ultimately be positive.

The further I pull away from failed people and projects, the more they want to engage. I was told by a “spiritual” person that I give too much of my heart, that I’m too kind. Too kind? What a terrible term. Too kind in a world where kindness is laughed at as a weakness. Too kind in a world that lets American kids get obese while African and Indian kids die of hunger. Too kind in a world that lets corporations decide who lives and dies, who eats and who starves, who to medical test their products on. Too kind in a world where bystanders let a woman bleed to death in a robbery at a convenience store but they sure had time enough to take pix with their cell phone cameras. Too kind in a world where clergy rape children, and the church, a bastion of “truth and kindness”, does everything in their power to hide it. There is no kindness here, no love and definitely no shelter.

What is wrong with me that I can’t buy in or sell out? Why does selling who and what I am and my skills seem wrong, or at least insincere? Why can’t I just numb or dumb myself down and shut up already? The compulsion for justice is strong in me and truth is my deepest desire in all situations. Truth doesn’t live here, truth is for sale and she’s become a $10 hooker on the corner of media and manipulation.

I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m frozen and my mind has been whirling for weeks now. Its a massive repository of information and experience, my brain, and I’m searching for meaning. Seriously, deeply seeking meaning. A reason. A why.

Tell me your why, your light in the window when you strive and struggle. Just don’t tell me god cause I’m religion-proof. And don’t call it comeback…